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日记文集
- 日记日期:2007-12-25 15:56:46 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Red, White & Blue Christmas
Q: What's red, white and blue and makes the entire community happy?
A: Smurfette deep-throating a candy cane.
- 日记日期:2007-12-25 15:56:06 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: The Christmas Elf Massacre
Buy me a beer if you want the story told Of why I moved down South
from the frost and cold. Why I'm knee deep in therapy, liquor, and
pills. Why I've given up charity in lieu of cheap thrills. Why I
loathe mistletoe, fruitcake and bells -- And why I'll celebrate
Xmas when it freezes in hell. You'll never see this elf make angels
in snow. Hey thanks for the booze so I guess here it goes: "Twas
the night after Christmas in the North Pole No creatures were
stirring, not one lousy soul. Santa's house appeared eerily silent
But inside the fat man was hungry, was violent . This workshop of
toys for kids of all ages Was filled with elves quaking in cages.
Who woke up from their long winter's naps To find themselves snared
in a devious trap. Hours before I had been bingeing on nog Passed
out under the bed, I spied the whole saga. I saw all my brothers
rounded up in cages. Sleepy victims of wicked midnight rampages.
Then what to my horrified eyes should appear But a wild-eyed Santa
pinching an elf by the ear. Each little sprite shook in their
tights and boots. That this monster was Santa, no one could refute.
His size and his beard gave him away as St. Nick His fangs and his
scales made me quite sick Blood seemed to stain his white fluffy
trim He was hunched, drooling, and disgustingly slim. "Come little
helper! Climb into my maw!" He laughed, then casually ate the elf
raw. He greedily sucked the imp's hide off the bone I was awed! I
was scared! I was truly alone! Dainty elf paws clutched bars and
cried Drunk on deinal; confounded by why. (He lost his count during
his murderous spree Thought he'd rounded up most, but forgot about
me!) His hunger was wracking his hunched-over frame With a
crippling appetite that didn't know shame. "Don't eat us! We love
you! Look at our faces!" The doomed little elves made their sad
cases But Santa ignored them with a swipe of his fist Pulled out
some parchment and started a list: "Silence, you nuggets I'm
trying to think Who to char-broil, who to blend into drink. Who to
dice, fillet, bake or panfry Who to boil in soup, who to stuff in a
pie" These taunts seemed so strange to come from a man Who held the
dreams of children in his hands Teeth full of gristle, he then
sadly revealed To his captive chorus of angel-faced veal, That
humans are greedy, petty, drunk on their vices. And each Yuletide
revel exacts gruesome prices These prices are paid by the magical
gnomes Who hammer the toys that clutter up homes. The payment's a
life one for each holiday sin. Delivered by Santa, after his
joyful break-ins. Perhaps he was cursed by the Easter Bunny Or an
April Fool's jester who thought it'd be funny. The Great Pumpkin,
Jack Frost or just maybe That jealous and bratty New Years Eve
baby. Maybe it was a clue, how well we were fed On cookies, cakes,
lard balls and bread. But our nature's to love, not to distrust. So
we hugged the fat Claus's and finished each crust. Ignorant to what
would soon transpire We'd collapse in heaps by the crackling fire.
Expecting the old man to come flying back And start making next
years toys for his sack. But how does he have enough sprites for
his belly? The final act of sorrow starts as fetal elf jelly. That
ferments inside his wife until it's a broth Filled with
thimble-sized elves that surge forth like froth. And these newborn
elves, spawned pure from her womb. Don't understand: their workshop
is really a tomb Their dimples are gumdrops, they sneeze pixie
dust. Santa doesn't hate them he's cursed with a lust. Elves are
packed with vitamins A, C, and E We're awfully juicy, tart yet also
fruity, We go well with gravy and mayonnaise and toast But
casserole is how Santa likes us the most. Barbequed, fricasseed, or
flambéed Sunny-side up, shish-ka-bobbed or flayed. Prepared anyway,
our flesh is quite delicious And it's not like toy-happy children
will miss us. Goodbye Carl, Zud, Sprinkles and Jan! Blossom,
Hortense, Cobweb, and Stan! Julie, Miss Knickers, Fidget, and
Ralph. I'm sorry you're dead, you wonderful elf. A mouthed greased
with fat, Santa then hibernated. As Mrs. Claus squatted and grossly
gestated And all that is left of my cherubic siblings. Was a pile
of bells, curly-toed boots mostly elf things So much for good
cheer! But don't shed a tear: This gruesome cycle has happened for
hundreds of years. And as the fist to survive Father's murderous
rout In a month I stopped hiding and got the hell out." Now I spend
my days soaking under a sun like a yolk (Yeah, I wish I'd have
saved all or some of my folk) I now have a tan where the rum's in
supply. Sewing up flags for Captain Fourth of July.
- 日记日期:2007-12-25 13:31:54 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: The 12 Days of Christmas
December 14, 1972 My dearest darling John: Who ever in the whole
world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How
can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for
thinking of me this way. My love always, Agnes December 15, 1972
Dearest John: Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just
imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very
thoughtful gift. They are just adorable. All my love, Agnes
December 16, 1972 Dear John: Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.
Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French
hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too
kind. All my love, Agnes December 17, 1972 Dear John: Today the
postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too
romantic. Affectionately, Agnes December 18, 1972 Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly,
all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves. All
my love, Agnes December 19, 1972 Dear John: When I opened the door
today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So
you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't
sleep through the racket. Please stop. Cordially, Agnes December
20, 1972 John: What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven
swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop
all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at
night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those
freaking birds. Sincerely, Agnes December 21, 1972 O.K. Buster: I
think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8
maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a
milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all
over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me,
smartass. Agnes December 22, 1972 Hey Shithead: What are you? Some
kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they
play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here
yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping
all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours!
Agnes December 23, 1972 You rotten prick: Now there's ten ladies
dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been
balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and
they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The
Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you!
Agnes December 24, 1972 Listen Fuckhead: What's with those eleven
lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads
will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have
been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds
are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're
satisfied, you rotten vicious swine. Your sworn enemy, Agnes
December 25, 1972 Dear Sir: This is to acknowledge your latest gift
of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on
our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was
total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you
should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium,
the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With
this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
- 日记日期:2007-12-19 13:25:40 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: First Class Blondie
A beautiful young blond woman boards a plane to LA with a ticket
for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then
looks ahead to the first class seats. Seeing that the first class
seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves
forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her
ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in coach. The blond
replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here
all the way to LA." Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the
cockpit and informs the captain of the blond problem. The captain
goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in coach.
Again, the blond replies, "I'm young, blond and beautiful, and I'm
going to sit here all the way to LA." The captain doesn't want to
cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the
blond with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blond
girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes
back and briefly whispers something into the blonde's ear. She
immediately gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot,
and rushes back to her seat in the coach section. The pilot and
flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together
ask the co-pilot what he had said to the woman. He replies, "I just
told her that the first class section isn't going to LA."
- 日记日期:2007-12-18 13:12:30 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Blonde and Waitress
Q: What did the blond customer say after reading the buxom
waitress' name tag? A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name
the other one?''
- 日记日期:2007-12-18 13:11:44 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Shirts Off
A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot
announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he
must make an emergency landing. The woman, fearing that this may be
the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and
rips her shirt and bra off, and throws herself on him. "Make me
feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt
off and hands it to her. "Iron this."
- 日记日期:2007-12-14 10:55:10 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Talk Dirty to Me
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
- 日记日期:2007-12-13 11:17:15 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Bad Drivers
There's a senior citizen driving on the highway. His wife calls him
on his cell phone and in a worried voice says, ''Herman, be
careful! I just heard on the radio that there was a madman driving
the wrong way on Route 280!'' Herman says, ''I know, but there
isn't just one, there are hundreds!''
- 日记日期:2007-12-12 11:01:09 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Old Ladies' Noggins
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various
things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful.
This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I
couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go
down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day,
I was sitting on the edge of my bed and I couldn't remember whether
I was going to sleep or had just woken up! The third lady smiles
smugly, "Well, my memory is just as good as it's always been, knock
on wood," she says as she raps on the table. Then with a startled
look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"
- 日记日期:2007-12-12 10:59:51 心情:一般 天气:天晴
- 标 题: Texas Sphincters
On the seventh day, God said, "Let there be football." And it was
good. Later that day, God said, "Let there be one team to rule the
others and set the standard for excellence." With that, he plucked
a star from the heavens and placed it on the helmet of silver and
blue. God said, "Let it be called, 'The Dallas Cowboys' - America's
team." Later that day, God said, "Even Cowboys need a**holes." So
he made their fans.
会 员 

